Why Are You Leaving Me Daddy?

It is a common occurrence in the elementary years of schooling that kids will yo-yo up and down between loving school and hating it. On the upside this means, that kids will hardly look at their parents as they run for the doorway to school. On the downside, this means that you literally have to throw your child into the room, and slam the door to get them to stay. In a cruel twist of fate, yours truly, the former elementary teacher who was good at calming anxious parents who had to throw their kids in the classroom and run, now is on the other side of the coin. Little man has gone from pestering Mom and Dad about school from the moment he wakes up to being content sitting in front of the TV watching Elmo all morning. So as I've walked back to my car this week after dropping off my son, it's been hard not to turn around and go pick him up in my arms as I hear him crying. Even harder not to go back into the room and take him home as I see him standing at the window looking at "Daddy's Car" wondering "Why are you leaving me Daddy?" I empathized with parents before, but now it really hits home how difficult it is to go with what is "right" when your natural parental instinct tells you something totally different.

So as I've been trained to do now, I look to the written word for help, and thankfully I have an autographed copy of Stickin' To, Watchin Over, and Gettin With, by Howard Stevenson, Gwendolyn Davis, and Saburah Abdul-Kabir, to refer to. The title refers to the three ingredients of effective discipline that the authors recommend for effective parenting of black children. I knew when Dr. Stevenson signed my copy in 2003 that it would come in handy, and this week was cause to pull the book off the shelf and seek some guidance. As the authors describe it Stickin To refers to "unconditional love and support", Watchin Over means to provide "loving supervision", and Gettin' With means to hold children accountable for their behavior without breaking their spirit. I was relieved as I read to find that the plan the Mrs. and I have intiuitively hatched to deal with our little knucklehead match with what the "Doc" and his coauthors have recommended.

So as this week has gone on. I made it a point to stop in a couple times to day care during nap time to see how the day was going, just in case Little Man needed some extra watchin over. The amount of unconditional love he gets from his nuclear and extended family is endless, especially since he is the first grandson on both sides of the family, but this week he clearly needed a little more reassurance. So for now, I let him know that Mommy and I will be Stickin To him like we're siamese twins, and we'll be Watchin Over every move. We'll also continue to let him know that as he gets older, we're more than ready to Get With him to the level necessary. A week that started out with me watching my son crying in the window ended with reports of much more positive behavior. So while he may have moments when he's wondering why Daddy or Mommy is leaving, in the long run, he'll come to understand that neither I nor Mommy are going anywhere. That's what makes it possible to walk to the car while he's crying in the window.

Jigga and Hip Hop Identity

I grew up on East Coast hip hop. KRS1 schooled me in ways my school teachers couldn't. There was Eric B and Rakim, Kool G. Rap, Special Ed, EPMD, LL Cool J, A Tribe Called Quest and De La Soul. If any of these artists dropped an album, that's where my lunch money for the week was getting spent. NWA, Too Short, Ice-T all had moments too, but the music from the Westisde never really stuck with me. None of these artists mentioned above have managed to stay relevant for 11 albums as Jay-Z has, and that is worthy of examination. Not only has Hov been a favorite since 1996 when Reasonable Doubt came out, he has remained one because he has moved the game forward.

In the same way that racial identity theory (see: William Cross, Beverly Daniel Tatum) examines the ways in which one makes sense of themselves as a "racial" being, I'm going to borrow from that tradition and posit that a hip hop identity allows one to investigate and make sense of attitudes having to do with being a "hip-hop head". As the music has gotten older, the generations identify with it differently much the same way my parents would eschew most of the R&B I grew up on for the Whispers, Temptations, and Gladys Knight of their youth. So follow me as I walk you through how Jay has been like no other in the hip hop game.

STAGE 1: CONTACT - The point at which we are introduced, and made aware of a new phenomena.

Jay comes on the scene with Reasonable Doubt after notable appearances on Jaz's "Hawaiian Sophie" and 'Can I Get Over" with Original Flavor. The album is an ode to the street life he came from and featured the instant hit Can't Knock the Hustle with Mary J. Blige. "Feelin' It", "Dead Presidents", and "Ain't No Nigga" also became classics. What's notable about this album is that it's often hailed as his best, but it took the longest to go platinum in sales. This album also introduced us to Roc-A-Fella records.

STAGE 2: IMMERSION/EMERSION - A period marked by total engagement into all things hip hop, a recognition of the larger context within which the hip hop world operates, and an action plan to institutionalize all that is hip hop.

Following Reasonable Doubt, the parade of almost endless hits continued, and you could not argue that Jay was outside of the Top five emcees all time. In My Lifetime, Vol 1 gave us "Who You With 2", "Imaginary Players", and "Streets is Watching". Vol 2 gave us "Hard Knock Life", "Money Ain't a Thang" with J. Dupri, "Nigga Wha, Nigga Who?" just to name a few. The hits kept coming on Life and Times of S. Carter, vol 3 ("Big Pimpin", "Do It Again"), Dynasty: Roc LaFamilia ("I Just Wanna Love You"). The critical juncture in this phase came when Jay ultimately ended up pleading guilty to a misdemeanor around the stabbing of producer, Lance "Un" Rivera, who allegedly bootlegged vol 3. In contrast to this incident, the music became more introspective as Jay did songs like "This Can't Be Life" feat. Scarface and Beanie Sigel and "Where Have you Been?" also featuring Beans. In analysis, the contradiction between Jay's actions and his music shows the multiple layers of the self with which we all struggle. In a hip hop sense, this was yet another example of how life and the music often combined like watercolors. Evidence of the emersion became apparent as the Roc launched Rocawear, and later took over distribution of Armadale vodka.

STAGE 3: INTERNALIZATION - Puttting all the BS aside, reclaiming the fundamental components of self, and being comfortable in that skin. The Blueprint came out in 2001, and featured "IZZO" and "Girls, Girls, Girls", but what amplified this album was the Unplugged version where Jay collaborated with The Roots to create a hip hop sound that was more vibrant because of the live instrumentation. "Song Cry" was better live. "Heart of the City" was better live. To illustrate that development is not a unilateral process, this apparent musical move forward came at a time when Jay was butting heads with Nas in one of the biggest rap "beefs" ever. The Blueprint 2 album also showed Jay trying to go in a different direction, and sacrificing some sales to do so. He hit paydirt with his 2004 Collision Course mashup EP with Linkin Park, which sold over 1 million in the US and won a grammy.

STAGE 4: COMMITTMENT - A sustained determination to take the hip hop game to places it has not been. It would have been easy for S. Carter to hang 'em up after The Black Album in 2003. He gave the full repertoire of his skill set on that album working with a top shelf selection of producers including Rick Rubin and Timbaland. There were party jams ("Encore"), bang in the car joints ("99 Problems", "Dirt Off Your Shoulder") and an increasing number of reflective numbers ("Moment of Clarity", "Lucifer"). This album was Jordan hitting a shot over B. Russell, Elway and Bettis winning Super Bowls at the end, and Sampras winning one more US Open. But yet he continues, and while pursuing numerous entrepreneurial endeavors, has given us now The Blueprint 3, where he continues to drop dimes about growing in the game, and how it is ludicrous to think that he would continue to rap about the same things in 2009 as he did in 1996 ("On To The Next One", "Home Already"). The song "Star Is Born" is especially telling as it recounts how the mantle in hip hop has been passed around in hip hop, and yet Jay still stands on top. He's made my MOUNT RUSHMORE of MCs (along with KRS, Rakim, and B.I.G) not only for the flow, but for the way he has influenced the whole culture of hip hop. "30 Something" no longer means the end of a hip hop career nor does it mean the death of your hip hop identity.

Time for School: Who Will You Mentor?

When I was a classroom teacher, I always smiled a little bigger when both parents walked into the room to sit down for a parent conference. My bias was that it was a small symbol of just how important the child's education was to the family. Clearly, this is not universally true because with two teachers for parents, there were inevitably parent conferences that one or the other of my parents had to miss depending on what was going on in their school. Nontheless, I continue to get the warm feeling when I see both parents visible for their child(ren) when it comes to their education. Today I went to school with my little guy for the welcome back half day at his day care, and it was cool to see the number of fathers engaging with their kids on the playground while dressed in three piece suits. If you've ever been to the playground with a little one, you know that that means sand, wood chips, shredded rubber, or some other material meant to make falling down not so traumatic, and here were a number of dads in their business attire and wingtips having no problem riding the see saw, playing house, and drawing with their little ones.

The question that arises for me is what happens to the kid who doesn't have any of that support for their schooling? Who has their back? Our little guy is lucky that he has two parents with all kinds of degrees who can make informed decisions about the direction of his schooling and hold him fully accountable when he slips up. But more and more I think about the millions of kids who don't have that. I can't watch CNN or MSNBC without some pundit referring to graduation rates in urban areas, and more specifically male minority students. So I have resolved to use my skills not only on my son, but on any other kid with whom I come in contact who needs help navigating the educational road, which for minority males in particular, is wrought with landmines and pitfalls. With this post, I make the call for everyone to consider who they might extend their hand to. No one Superman is going to save all the inner city and suburban minority students who struggle to graduate. It will take the effort of many samaritans willing to reach back and share the lessons they have learned and the resources they have accumulated, both social and financial. It is easy to sit in your corner office, or suburban home and shake your head about the behavior and values of some of today's youth, but unless you are willing to do some of the work to fix the problem, then it will only continue to get worse.

Eulls Saves the Day

Over the last few weeks I have become increasingly jaded about the way Black male celebrities get covered in the media, particularly athletes. Negative story after negative story about dudes falling from grace. I am not out to blame the media here, they have to cover this stuff as their job just as they have to report scores and contracts. For some reason, however, it just seems like open season on Black male athletes messing up and I just wonder where the support network is to snatch these dudes before it's too late. It seems that when prominent Black athletes fall, the consequence is far worse than it would be for anybody else. I needed to see a story that offset all the negativity. New York Giant wide receiver Plaxico Burress got two years for shooting HIMSELF in the leg when NY cops get off for shooting Sean Bell. NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, continues to let Michael Vick twist in the wind even after the man served TWO years in federal prison and declared bankruptcy. Michael Beasley had to check himself into a mental facility after years of being coddled for his basketball prowess, but not being held accountable for his schooling (Washington Post, 2007). The underlying message sent by these stories is clear: Black males can't handle the privilege of getting paid millions to play sports. Inevitably they will crumble and the media will be there front and center to cover every second. So whether it is Vince Young, Jamaal Tinsley, Ron Artest, or even Renaldo Balkman, whose lucky to be in the NBA and STILL got a DUI, they will all make the front page when they fall. Thankfully, there was reassurance this week that there is hope.

The reassurance came in the form of Kaleb Eulls, a star HS football player in Yazoo County, MS. While riding the school bus home with kids as young as 5, he confronted a girl walking up and down the aisle of the bus waving a gun, and ended up disarming her by tackling her. In the process he saved twenty plus lives. The story is striking in that the young man placed himself in the center of danger to save other kids when he could have easily just hid behind a seat. As a matter of fact, according to reports, he was not even AWAKE when the girl started pacing the bus with the gun. It is also striking the way the young man has handled all the attention that has resulted from this incident. At a time when we "deify" HS athletes from the time they enter 9th grade and wonder why they are cocky by the time they are seniors, this young man has been humble and understated. Needless to say it is refreshing to see.

While it was inspring to see the story of a young Black man risking so much to help his peers, it cannot be ignored that the 14 year-old female girl with the gun now faces 22 counts of attempted aggravated assault and kidnapping. Her life trajectory has now been altered to the point where it will be incredibly difficult to move past this incident. I pray that she is able to have people come into her life that can put her on a path where she can one day become a productive citizen. Hopefully she extracts a lesson from the actions of Mr. Eulls.

Summer Lessons from Belize and Marc Lamont Hill

So I got to travel a bunch this summer, more than any other time in my adult life. The usual grind of championship swim meets was book ended by a missionary trip to Belize and a much-needed vacation to Cozumel. Both of these experiences left a lasting impression on me that make me very thankful that I took the time away from my usual summer routine.

BELIZE

I got invited to Belize under the auspices of teaching swimming to a population where swim instruction is a luxury. I know what the statistics are as far as poor minority youth drowning in the US, and it just made sense that if I could in any way affect that in Belize, then I needed to go. Needlesss to say, the swim portion of my week went really well. With each day, more and more kids showed up, often with parents, to learn how to swim and participate in the activities we planned. The more profound part of my time, however, was spent working in Holy Cross Anglican School and learning about the impoverished San Mateo area of the island.

Holy Cross is situated very close to the prime beachfront real estate of San Pedro, yet socially it seemed to be worlds away. While the beachfront was full of vacationing scuba divers, and fishermen, the neighborhood just outside of the doors of Holy Cross featured one-room "houses" many of which didn't have electricity or running water. The infrastructure of this neighborhood consisted of loosely held together planks that were far from sturdy and would deposit you into the swamp if you happened to make a misstep. Yet, despite these conditions, the children demonstrated the type of spirit that one expects to find in children who want for nothing. I found myself doing more observing than "teaching" because I wanted to understand how the children developed such aspirations in the face of poverty that often chokes away the ability to dream. I learned that for these students, the school was a way out. I learned that for the families of San Mateo, there was appreciation of those who came simply looking to help and not to judge. The trip confirmed to me that it is okay to have a "missionary" mindset as long as the MISSION is the focus and not the displacement of local cultural norms because they are viewed from a deficit perspective. In this case, the mission was to help build and prepare a school to open in the fall that would continue to allow children to dream and have access to opportunities that one day might allow them to return as adults and keep their neighborhood from being co-opted by outside interests.

COZUMEL

In addition to the quality time with my wife, Cozumel afforded me the opportunity to do some "leisure" reading for the first time in years. It may seem strange that my leisure book was Marc Lamont Hill's Beats, Rhymes and Classroom Life: Hip Hop Pedagogy and the Politics of Identity, but the two days I spent reading this book were as enjoyable as the Mrs. reading one of her Sandra Brown romance novels. I read slowly by nature and the process is even slower when I start an academic text, but given my background as a teacher, and a lover of hip hop, I anxiously tore into this one, and Professor Hill did not disappoint.

Many scholars who study the utility of hip hop as it pertains to educating youth tend to focus on one aspect of the culture such as the linguistics or the sociological ramifications, but Dr. Hill's course, which focused on hip hop songs as texts to be analyzed allowed for the engagement of all aspects of hip hop culture. The course, which he co-taught in a Philly HS hit home not simply because I grew up there, but instead of the fact that through their analysis and discussion, the class dealt with the complexities of being part of a hip hop generation. There is misogyny and love, consumerism and social conscience, and often these contradictions lie within the same artist. How does a hip hop head who grew up on KRS and Rakim receive Soulja Boy and Plies? The same question can be asked in reverse. So for me, the beauty of Beats, Rhymes, and Classroom Life is that despite the goals that he had for analyzing classic "texts" such as Summertime by the Fresh Prince and Fuck tha Police by NWA, the students had different views. However, because of the exposure, they were able to engage in important identity exploration. The use of the student's own voices adds a distinct autheniticity to Hill's reporting of the study.

Ultimately, my work in Belize and leisure reading in Cozumel taught me that I cannot begin to use the education and training I have received until I am first able to listen and then be willing to share at a level comparable to those with whom I am working. It is these pre-requisites that set the table for transformational learning to take place.

Hooray Marriage! 7 Years in the Books

So today, Aug 10, is my anniversary, and I'm sitting in a hotel at a swim meet for the 2nd time in seven years. This alone is reason to celebrate my wife, who I haven't seen in 9 days and counting. More importantly it speaks to the tough work of marriage. Today marks seven years and it has gone by in a flash. The Mrs. and I were one of the first in our circle to get married and sadly we have seen marriages crumble that began after ours. So on this day, I felt moved to share some lessons I've learned that have helped me and also pass along some advice for those who one day hope to "join the club".

1. DON'T LET THE SNOWBALL GROW. The biggest blowups that I've lived through have been more about the small issues that were left unresolved than the straw that broke the camel's back. No matter how much you dread having that convo about money or how you messed up, have the talk, and make sure to own your culpability, because if you supress it, it will come up again, most likely in a situation where it has little relevance. Even if you need to take a time out to process before you can chat calmly (like I do), make it known that you will be having a discussion later.

2. NEVER TAKE SPENDING QT FOR GRANTED. In the hustle and bustle of trying to "make it" in our professions, it's easy to lose track of just being able to check in. This gets even more complicated when kids come into the equation because even when you're in the same house, the demands of a child(ren) take up attention that used to be reserved for husband and wife. The Mrs. and I used to have date night WEEKLY, which was a simple dinner and movie. Now we're lucky if date night is QUARTERLY, so it means that we have to be purposeful in planning when we hang. So even though I've seen my wife in TWO out of the last TWENTY-ONE days, I've got a week ALONE with the Mrs. coming up in a Mexican resort that I'm SO looking forward to.

3. CHOOSE YOUR COUNSEL WISELY. Some marital issues don't need to be kicked around the friend network for their input. It only makes things worse. ESPECIALLY, when the friends have little on the resume as far as relationship experience. Your road dog who's still doing Happy Hour and First Friday's religiously and thinks marriage is for chumps is NOT gonna have good insight into how you finesse attention issues with your wife who's juggling motherhood and a career. The same is true for your girlfriend when you're trying to deal with your man who feels less than whole because he all of a sudden makes less $$$ thn you. I've found these things are better bounced off marriage OGs or parents. My parents are divorced, but Id still run my deepest marriage insecurities past them before 98% of my friends. And as a sidenote to this point recognize that because your issues will change the longer you're married, the nature of your relationships with single friends will change. The friendships don't HAVE to end, but they will change.

NOTE TO THE SINGLE FOLK. Though it gets put out there often that marriage is the way to go, I'm here to tell you it's not for everybody. Some people TRULY enjoy the freedom of single life and ability to chase as many partners as they want. Some people don't want to be tied to someone for the rest of time as you pledge when get hitched. When I was trying to pledge Kappa, the old heads would always say "Pledging begins when you cross". That is true for fraternity life and the same sentiment can be applied to marriage. However, it is a beautiful thing to find someone who wants to love you, build with you and support you through anything. These are the rewards of marriage that make the struggles worthwhile. Even on the way to Seattle I was describing the many professional hats the Mrs. wears (economist, filmmaker, writer, mother) and he responded "So you married up!" I comfortably replied "No doubt". I recognized that in 2002 when I stood at the altar, and I'm constantly reminded of it seven years later. So shout out to the Thorntons and others who share my anniversay date. If you're married, work like hell to hold it together. If you're single and looking: Don't settle. If you're single and loving that freedom: Play on...But play fair!

Black Professor vs. White Cop...A Powder Keg That Exploded

It was quite shocking to see the initial pictures of Professor Henry Louis Gates in handcuffs outside his house in Cambridge. If you're making a Mount Rushmore of Black Scholars he is certainly part of the discussion. As the details of the incident between Professor Gates and Seargent Crowley have come out, it has become more and more clear that this case was going to have staying power because of the profile of Dr. Gates. Now the President has gotten involved and managed to breathe more life into the flame before coming to his senses and moving as quickly as possible to squelch it so he can get back to pushing his Health Care Plan, a plan that is taking heavy fire from BOTH sides of the ailse. Let me break down each party involved so we can learn what NOT to do the next time a high profile Black intellectual has trouble getting into his house, and maybe start that REAL conversation on race I hear people talk about, but never engage in.

PROFESSOR GATES
Professor Gates you had every right to be mad when the police showed up at your door talking about a robbery when all that really happened was that you had to force your way into your house after the door malfunctioned, but you should have also realized that from someone else's vantage point it could have legitimately looked like you were breaking in, and walking the cops through that would have kept the situation from escalating. I recently took a class on the LAPD, and four seargents audited the class to add insight from the field. What I took away from the course is that officers are trained not to take anything for granted when they are called to a scene, if they do, they are liable to end up leaving that scene in a bag. Dr. Gates, your alleged answer to Officer Crowley's request for you to identify yourself should not have been "Why because I'm a black man in America?" as noted in the police reports of both officers. I know there have been times that I've had to break into my own house as a teenager, and I was well aware how it might have looked to anyone passing by. I can see where you were trying to exert some of the privilege you have earned as a Harvard professor, but you took it too far by apparently failing to realize that the Officer was just trying to do his job. I must also say that I'm very surprised that you would go on CNN and say that this incident helped you realize "How vulnerable all Black men are." Really? Then I'm glad you got this awakening now, so that you can channel some of your considerable intellect into addressing issues of race and power that Black men deal with on a daily basis.

SEARGENT CROWLEY
From all reports, I find little fault with your initial approach to this situation. The tipping point for you was simple. Despite the low level of cooperation you allegedly received from Dr. Gates, once you established that this elderly man was the lawful occupant of the home, then it was time to walk away. Eliminating threat is job #1 of an officer, and the threat was gone after Professor Gates produced his identification. If you couldn't calm him down, then perhaps Officer Figueroa should have tried, or one of the other officers who had arrived on the scene. Perhaps despite your record as a decorated officer, something that Professor Gates said ticked you off, and you decided he needed to be taught a lesson. Who knows, but in your position, you are held to a higher standard of being able to do what's right so that a situation does not escalate and you didn't. Neither did your colleagues for that matter, and that is disappointing.

PRESIDENT OBAMA
When initially asked about the incident in a press conference where you were supposed to be talking about Health Care, you did the smart thing and admitted your bias towards Dr. Gates and noted that you didn't have all the facts. Given your bias, you should have stopped right there until you either talked to Gates or gotten a briefing from an aide. As soon as you went on to say that you felt the Cambridge Police had acted "stupidly", it was like you poured water on a grease fire. As President, you don't get to use words like "stupid" and "dumb" when describing situations like you're at the crib with your homies. Your position requires that you go for adjectives like "inappropriate" or "insensitive" as if you were still editing the Harvard Law Review. You did this on Friday when you readressed the issue, but the damage was already done. Now instead of being able to hammer Republicans about Health Care and make sure your Democratic supporters have your back, you've had to arrange a Happy Hour Picnic to put this story to bed.

FINAL NOTE
For all those who try to spin this incident into something that has nothing to do with race, spare me. As the President noted in his initial press conference, there is a long history across the nation anecdotally and statistically about racial profiling. If you think that the race of Professor Gates and his driver had nothing to do with Ms. Whalen calling the police, you need to wake up. If you think that Officer Crowley made no initial judgment of Dr. Gates based on his race, the same is true. We all carry biases and prejudices based on our lived experiences as "raced" and ethnic beings. And please don't try to argue that Officer Crowley was above bias because he taught a workshop on racial profiling which he was selected to do by a Black Police Commissioner. Just because he can mechanically teach and understand the concept, does not mean that he's incapable of exhibiting racist behavior, especially when he's being called a "racist police officer". Issues of power, class, and race are laced all through this incident and only when people stop trying to look the other way and face it will we be able to have real conversations on race that help us all move forward in our understandings of one another.