One Door Closes, Another Opens... For Real!

Time for me to testify so cue up the old school church organ in your head as you read this. If it's been a while since you made it to testimony hour, the Kanye West "Testify" track will suffice. Now that we've got proper background music, let me set the context of our tale. Since 2000, my professional life has revolved around coaching and education, and this past summer, it appeared I had reached a minor pinnacle, becoming the Aquatic Director/Head Coach at a brand new pool while also securing an adjunct professor position allowing for the continuation of my dual professional life. In less than three months, the team went from 40 athletes to 180, and while I was getting little sleep keeping up with my schedule, there was at least the pride in knowing that something good was unfolding at the pool and things were going well in the classroom. In addition, there was actually some money in my banking account between checks. Guess I should've known that there would be test coming soon.

DOOR CLOSING

I sat down with my aquatic bosses three weeks ago thinking that we'd be taking stock of the recently completed short course season, and making plans for the summer and next year, only to be told that they wanted to go in a different direction. One that didn't include me remaining in my position. Ironically, just before going into the meeting, I had done my daily bible reading and the verse that stuck out to me was that God is with us through all tests and trials. He doesn't say "IF" we make it through the trial, but "WHEN", and as I walked out of the meeting shell shocked after being blindsided, I kept from panicking by reminding myself of that reading. Negotiating to be paid the final months of my contract also helped ease the sting. If it was time for me to hang up the stopwatches and free my weekends of swim meets in favor of karate, hip hop dance, and swim classes, then that was fine. I have had a great ride as a swim coach. What was difficult was to see what was in store for me seeing as there were no tenure-track assistant professor positions being offered to fill the void.

DOOR OPENING

On Wednesday afternoon, I sat in a HS classroom observing a student teacher practice her craft when I got a 911 text from the Mrs. saying that she had gotten a call from one of our many social workers saying that they had a baby that was a match for us as foster-to-adopt parents. A year ago we had started the adoption process through the LA Co. Dept. of Child and Family Services. We had become fully certified in late October, and hadn't heard anything since. Now out of the blue, we were about to be parents of two. "Should I tell her we'll take it?" texted the Mrs. and I immediately texted back that we would. We met the 3-day old on Wednesday night, and brought him home Thursday evening. Elijah Emeka Carroll now has us back in the mode where more than two straight hours of sleep is a luxury, but he is our blessing. Often newborns who enter the foster system have been exposed to drugs, and Elijah is no exception, yet he tested negative for everything. Many of the scriptures that I have read recently discuss the benefits of faith to God's word. Nkechi and I could not ask for a more tangible representation, and we thank everyone for the support and well wishes.

Reflecting on "The Announcement"

Earvin "Magic" Johnson was my favorite player growing up after local legend Dr. J. The big smile, the no-look passes on fast breaks, and the visual of a 6'9" point guard had me glued every time the Lakers played. He never made playing in the NBA look like work. I'll never forget the sinking feeling I had when he announced that he had contracted the HIV virus because my understanding at fourteen was that HIV equaled death, and a slow ugly one at that. The movie Philadelphia, with Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington came out in 1993 and it was easy for me to map the deterioration of Tom Hanks character onto what I thought would happen to Magic. As I watched The Announcement, and relived the context around Magic Johnson alerting the world to his HIV status, I thought about that event in a whole new light.

Magic Johnson was thirty-two years old when he stepped to the podium with his wife Cookie, NBA commissioner David Stern, and teammate Kareem Abdul-Jabbar among others on the dais, and delivered the news that he had contracted the virus through unprotected sex. This was a man who characterized words like "Champion", and "Leader". He was the face of the NBA, and in that moment he became leper. As a thirty-four year old with a family, I marvel at the fortitude that he had to not just confirm it to the media and go into hiding as Karl Malone asserted he could have. He had to face the severe consequence of his actions in front of the world. His wife could have easily left him to deal on his own, and many would have cheered for her as she left. All those years of being the leader of the Lakers along with Kareem were vaporized, and as accountable as he held his teammates on the court, he had to stand there and tell them he had been reckless off the court. And finally, there were his business connections. Athletes depend on these to provide a parachute when they walk off the court, Magic's announcement made him beyond radioactive. Somehow he made it through, and I as I watched him breakdown how he did it, I couldn't help but think about where we are as a country twenty years later as we compare it to where Magic is in his own life.

I was struck by the point Magic made at the end of the documentary when he talked about being a "blessing and a curse" to the disease. A blessing in that he was a public figure who spun the archetype we attached to the disease previously 180 degrees. For a horny adolescent like me, he drove home sex ed lessons in a way that my parents and textbooks could not. His advocacy has brought awareness and money to the fight so that more research can be done. The downside is that you see Magic on ESPN and at events, and you don't immediately think back twenty years, or if you do, you slip into thinking that he's cured, and so maybe that lesson about irresponsible sexual behavior is blurred, and the "downfall" from having contracted the disease isn't as steep when the cautionary tale is told. This is unfortunate to me as I think about how much unfiltered sexual exposure young people get now without the proper guidance and understanding to make mature decisions about sex. For that reason alone, I'm glad The Announcement was made to take us back and allow us to digest that moment again.

Top Cases of "Well Done Young Man"

Today's lesson is about the "Well Done Young Man" phenomena. This happens when a couple gets together and just by the eye ball test, you think to yourself "Somebody came up!", or "How'd he snag that?". Notable examples are when you see the old "gray hair' with the young thing on his arm (salute Morgan Freeman and Harrison Ford) or the dude who's body type is the complete opposite of his lady's (Nutty Professor-style). The most recent example is Wiz Khalifa, who just put a boulder on Amber Rose's finger, so in honor of their impending union, here are some other Well Done Young Man examples:

5. Cash Warren and Jessica Alba - Yes, Mr. Warren is the son of UCLA baller and Hill Street Blues star, Michael Warren, and has lived a comfortable life, but to snag the Dark Angel, Honey, Fantastic Four star at the height or her stardom is still a come up.

4. Sasha Vujacic and Maria Sharapova - "The Machine" couldn't hit enough 20-foot jumpers to stay a Laker, but clearly he was finding the range when it came to trading strokes with the Wimbledon champ.

3. Jermaine Dupri and Janet Jackson - Still scratching my head on how Mr. ATL managed to Control the Nasty Girl for seven years of Anytime Anyplace.

2. Jay-Z and Beyonce - Love the Jigga Man, but I wasn't the only one thinking "For real?" when I heard of this union. Congrats on B.I.C

1. Seal and Heidi Klum - The thing that puts the crooner at the top of the list is that he held on for seven years, successfully planted his fertile seed THREE times.

Honorable Mention: Russell Simmons and Kimora Lee Simmons, Robin Thicke and Paula Patton

When Does the Cycle End? AI and TO Struggle to Provide for Families

It truly saddens me that two of my favorite athletes of all time, Allen Iverson (AI), and Terrell Owens (TO), have had to resort to extending their playing careers past their ability to gain employment in the NBA and NFL respectively, because of financial troubles. Many have written and examined how these two and many other professional athletes manage to squander hundreds of millions of dollars before they reach the age of 40, but for me what is especially troubling about these falls from grace is that their troubles signal that they will have difficulty maintaining their families. It has been well documented by VH1 that TO has multiple children by multiple women who have recently sued him as he has become increasingly unable to pay child support. Iverson also has a starting five worth of children whom he currently can't provide for, which leaves me to wonder about his ability to be a father. Both men came from homes that lacked a consistent male presence, and now after attaining so much success using their physical gifts, that cycle will now continue with their own families as they struggle to find work to provide.

Magic Johnson, Dave Bing, David Robinson and others have been lauded because of their ability to transition from a career in athletics to other endeavors in business, politics, and education respectively. A common theme between these men is their level of educational attainment. I'm talking more than just "walking the stage" here as Magic Johnson did not finish his studies at Michigan St, but did recognize the need to continue amassing intellectual capital as he began to focus on his business ventures. Dave Bing graduated from Syracuse University and had a career as a businessman in the auto industry before running for May of Detroit. "The Admiral" of course completed his studies at the Naval Academy in Annapolis, and was central in opening the Carver Academy, and later the Admiral Capital Group. In contrast, former Baltimore Raven, Chris McAllister, graduated from the University of Arizona, but has been unemployed since having his contract voided in 2009, and has no money after an 11-year NFL career. I used to beat the drum for making athletes stay in school so that they might develop the type of know-how that would prevent these baller-to-broke bum outcomes, but I later realized that if athletes don't want to go to school, they just cheat the process and end up putting the school in a compromising position. I do however, still feel it is imperative that those who view athletics as their Golden Ticket, must also understand that if they don't develop an acumen in something else besides, dribbling, hitting, and running, that these narratives will continue to occur in high frequency, to the detriment of numerous families.

The key is the creation of a value system where young people, and particularly those who are able to rise from underprivileged populations, understand that the shelf life of physical capital is finite, so it is imperative that intellectual development continues as physical capacity starts to wane. If you are an athlete who can no longer touch the top of the backboard, or run a 4.3, you are then able to leverage the capital you have built up with those gifts and use your mind to create a sustainable life for yourself and those you are charged to protect. Buying out bars, and other outlandish wealth display behaviors, will not lead to a life that can be passed on through multiple generations as those in historically privileged communities are able to do. When this value system gets passed on along with the physical traits coded in our DNA, then hopefully the cycle of fatherless families can start to be stemmed. I truly hope that both TO and AI get a run somewhere because their children deserve better and were not the ones wasting money that should have been stashed on their behalf.

Black History Month Must Have Connections

Since 1926, through the brainchild of Carter G. Woodson, there has been an annual celebration of the accomplishments and contributions that Black Americans have made in this country.  Since 1976 February has been designated as Black History Month, and the dominant narrative in the country during the 28-29 days usually centers on a reflection of the Civil Rights Movement, and it's central players. The legacies of activists such as Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, Medger Evers, and Fannie Lou Hamer are celebrated. The contributions of George Washington Carver, Benjamin Banneker, and Madame CJ Walker are lauded. The artistic greatness of Josephine Baker, Oscar Micheaux, and countless others is showcased.  While the celebration of these feats is inspiring and helps provide a solid foundation upon which a strong sense of Black identity can be built, I wish there was more discussion of the connections of that legacy to current Black life and global citizenship so that there would be a greater sense that Black History did not die when Martin and Malcolm were assassinated, but instead is living and vibrant with new pages being added to the record everyday.  In addition, this history is firmly embedded within the larger American tale in ways that need to be illuminated now more than ever.

Ethnic studies programs in K-12 schools are under assault today, with recent court rulings in Arizona serving as the prime example. This comes at a time when the notions of race and ethnicity are as complicated as ever to decipher.  This means it is incumbent upon both teachers and parents to help make connections both within their ethnic groups and between groups which will promote a better understanding of shared experience. So if, for example you are reading about Dr. King, you can look, for example at his education at Morehouse College, and examine who leads that institution today.  You can also look at some of the protests he participated in, and compare them to current protest movements both domestically and abroad to get an idea for the issues that are currently being fought for such as fair housing, health care, fair business practice, etc. In this way, the teachable moment that Black History Month embodies becomes instructive and a unifying moment instead of a divisive one. The notion of race has become more complicated globally and skin color alone is not the most salient aspect of racial identification for many young people. So in kind, those responsible for guiding today's youth must therefore adapt so that young Black children can continue to use Black History Month to build and affirm a  sense of self while also helping them see how they are interconnected to their peers.

Happy Birthday Isaiah. Five Already?!

There's an inherent anxiety, when you find out out you're going to be a father. You start doing math in your head thinking: Do I make enough money? How much do I need to save for college? And I'm realizing that this anxiety never goes away.  I watched my Lil Man grow in his mother's belly and with each passing day the anticipation grew of being able to do all the things with my little one that a father looks forward to doing with his child. Only the Mrs and her doctor can explain the Kool Aid smiles that my father and I sported as we high fived and hugged upon hearing the news that Baby Carroll would be a boy and the Carroll lineage would continue. Given that his parents both hover around six feet tall, there would be sports to teach, I'd get to show him how to shoot a basketball, and talk to him about how to treat a woman right like his grandfather did me. The awesome responsibility of making sure my son stays on the straight and narrow excited me because I knew I was prepared, and I looked forward to beginning the journey.

What I didn't have a full grasp of when Isaiah was born five years ago was that there's a little bit of lag time before I get to drop all this wisdom on him. While we spent plenty of quality time together in the pre-walk, pre-talk days, if I didn't have any milk when it was feeding time, then I was useless. If he fell, there were times when only Mommy's bosom could settle him down. Watching football with Dad came a distant second to watching "Shake It Up" with Mom.  As we reach birthday number five, however, the balance of parental contribution is starting to move back towards the middle.

Most days I'm up and out of the house before the rooster hits his snooze alarm. While this means little sleep for me, it gives me the chance to get back home before Lil man goes to school or meet him when he gets there. On the days where he asks me to take him to school or when he runs to tell his teacher that I've come to visit, I know that he's glad to have me around and that my effort is appreciated even though he promptly tells me to go back to work when he's done with me. Every exuberant greeting affirms that the foundation is being laid so that when he needs me for more serious issues, he knows I'll be there. I've got too much to share with him not to be.

Year 9 of Marriage in the Books

I can't believe it is already time to pen the now annual "Celebrate My Marriage" blog, but here we are at year 9. I am happy to say that I am actually home to pen the blog this year as opposed to being at work on a pool deck somewhere as I have been for at least three anniversaries. I look forward to a great date night with the Mrs. as we take in Anthony Hamilton and Jill Scott at the Gibson Amphitheater. Let me now get on with the annual message as it has truly been a banner year for the Carrolls.

Last year as I reflected on marriage from coaches hospitality at Junior Nationals and I shared my dad's consistent mantra that "You've got to find a woman who's going to be in your corner". As I got older, he added to his relationship talks the idea that "You've got to find ways to continue to grow together." This piece of wisdom has not been that hard to follow given that I actually listened to his most repeated note of advice. Finding my "Franchise Player" made it easy to leave family (remember, I'm spoiled), friends, and connections on the East Coast to start a California Adventure on New Years Day 2004. Mrs. Carroll was ready to take over the entertainment industry, and I knew I could teach anywhere, so stepping out on faith was easy. Turns out that "making it" in Hollywood is as hard if not harder than advertised and after realizing that mass mailings and submitting for every audition wasn't going to get her anywhere quickly, the Mrs. set about creating her own niche which would allow her to find a place here all while supporting my desire to teach, coach, and ultimately go back to graduate school for a Ph.D in education. Oh yeah, the Mrs. held down a 9-5 job the whole time.

Fast forward to June 11, 2011, and I walk into Napa Valley Grille for a "small" graduation celebration after receiving my Ph.D from UCLA only to find that the Mrs. has once again gone above and beyond and executed a surprise celebration complete with East Coast and West Coast family and friends in attendance to celebrate the moment. It was a great moment because she managed to assemble many people instrumental in our adjustment to California who shared in our journey and helped us make a way for ourselves. Little did I know when the Mrs.' literary manager, Adesuwa McCalla (aka "The Hustler"), got up to address the group just how much our marriage and congruent growth would be affirmed. At the time that I was reading Freire, DuBois, and writing a dissertation in grad school, the Mrs. made three short films, got her SAG card, and put together a showcase which raised money to combat domestic violence. Spring 2011 had already been a very productive "casting season" and as we sat at the Napa Valley Grille, we were hopeful that this was the year she would make it onto the writing staff of a show. When "The Hustler" finished her speech about the beauty of our partnership with the news that the Mrs. had in fact earned a position as a staff writer on The Finder, set to premiere on FOX in December, we both shed tears because the journey had not been easy, and it had required sacrifices for both of us.

Shortly after I was accepted into UCLA, we made an agreement that at the end of the five year program, we would make a decision about whether or not we would stay in Cali to continue pursuing the Hollywood dream or see where the road to tenured professorhood would lead. As the Mrs. tirelessly worked on scripts and projects, often falling asleep at the computer after a full day of work, and tending to a child who acts like he's been raised on a Five Hour Energy diet, I knew that we couldn't leave just because I was finishing my degree. This meant a limited job search which, for those looking to obtain assistant professor positions is not advisable. I ended up applying to only five places, only got one interview, and not surprisingly, no job offers. While all this was going on, the Mrs. had to keep the 9-5 job which limited her time to work on projects because "swim coach" and "grad student" aren't occupations that allow for financial comfort. Many years, she kept the Carroll household afloat when research money and loans dried up in the summer. So to receive the news that she was going to be able to leave her 9-5 for a career she had been striving for on the same night that I received my degree was only just. It was a testament to our commitment to prop each other up, and my lasting memory of Year 9 will be that both of us started to see the return on our "investment" of time and resources and head into Year 10 in a position to do better than we have before giving us a the financial freedom to do things we haven't been able to do previously. So as I conclude this year's blog, I only say to my friends young and old that you can never lose sight of how you and your partner will reach your individual goals TOGETHER. Think of your favorite sports team, and how often a singular member of the team makes it all happen by themselves. It doesn't. Marriage is no different, and as I watch the size of our friends' families grow, I can only hope that everyone is continuing to communicate like when the rings were first exchanged. I'll catch you guys soon. Time to get dressed for the concert.