The Lessons I Have to Teach

George Zimmerman walked for killing a young Black man armed with Skittles and tea.  Michael Dunn shoots ten times into a car, feeling threatened by loud music, kills a teen and is convicted only of ATTEMPTED murder.  These stories piled on top of countless others of young men killed while being Black make me understand what James Baldwin meant when he said the following:

It's a dangerous feeling to have the fire of rage stoked within.  And the irony of it is that the more educated I become, the more frustrated and helpless I occasionally feel. The prison industrial complex, the destruction of public education and the criminalization of people of color all continue to  occur with little resistance.  I empathize with those youth who survey the social landscape and decide not to care because they understand that the game is rigged against them.  If I were still a single man, I could easily see making a move as Mr. Baldwin did to another country because this jungle is far from safe.  Thankfully, I'm blessed with a family, and I've got to make sure my boys are equipped to maximize their potential.  My focus on them keeps my inner Incredible Hulk in David Banner mode.  There are too many lessons they need me to teach to let rage get the best of me.

My not-so Lil Man, for all his smarts at seven, struggles with the notion that in the eyes of the world he is not Brown.  Recently we took a field trip to the historic black bookstore, Eso Won Books and I explained that the trip was appropriate given that it's Black History Month.  He replied by asking why it's called Black History Month, when his skin is brown.  I've also had to explain to him that his mother and brother are not peach, but are black like he is.  This empirical evidence that notions of racism and prejudice are the product of nurture not nature leave me no time to wallow in anger.  It's not productive.  I've got to figure out how to equip my boys with an identity where they are both aware of the ignorance prevalent in the world, but hopeful about their potential to be great in it.  I can only hope that I do a good enough job that they become skilled in disarming those who would view them as a threat because of their physique, dress or music.  This is but one of necessary skills of the Black Man survival handbook.  American history has made it crystal clear that it's justice system is not blind enough to protect all of its citizens.  Trayvon Martin, Oscar Grant, and now Jordan Davis have all now paid the ultimate price in teaching us this lesson.

Anniversary Chapter 11: Adding to the Tool Belt

These anniversaries are starting to creep up on me too fast.  I feel like the 10-year anniversary party we had was a couple weeks ago, but indeed another year has come to a close for Team Carroll.  As I was thinking about what I wanted to write, I happened to catch John Legend's newest single "All of Me" and one of the lines of the chorus struck me as it succinctly sums up the attitude I bring to my  marriage:

"Even when I lose I'm winning
'Cause I give you all, all of me
And you give me all, all of you"

I talked last year about always doing the self-work that would enable me to be the best partner that I could be, however I had no real idea of how I would grow.  Turns out that with my new gig I was afforded much more time to be a part of the day-to-day lives of my boys, which required me to access parenting skills that had previously been dormant.  My household management skills were exercised like never before this year and I relished every minute of it (Don't believe me? Check drjoncarroll on Instagram).  I found myself having to create a memo in my phone to remember Lil Man's activity schedule.  I had to step up my cooking skillz as I was in charge of serving it more often than I ever had.  I embraced the opportunity to be a better household admin because of the time it allowed me to spend with the boys as well as become a more well-rounded man.  I know there are many fathers who don't get to spend that kind of quality time with their offspring, so I felt blessed to be able to do so.  My hope is that they one day feel they are better men because of the discussions we've had and that they've seen Dad do the same things Mommy does when she's home with them.  My appreciation of the years when Nkechi held down the bedtime routine grew even deeper this year.  Many days I'd fall asleep as I put Lil Man and the Munchkin to bed yet it was after bedtime when Nkechi used to get most of her writing done. 

I know that the fluidity of taking care of the house and kids has helped Nkechi and I as partners because we are better able to communicate about what we're seeing with the kids.  My goal is that as Nkechi continues to become the next Gina Prince-Bythewood, she'll continue to have confidence that she won't come home to a burned down house with the kids and I standing across the street in our pajamas because I started a grease fire making turkey burgers.  On the flipside, Nkechi continues to be my biggest cheerleader, supporter and PR agent.  Her encouragement has lead me finally finish a book on marriage I started three years ago as well as produce a companion man-ologue show.  I'm excited to see both come to fruition.  What I have come to understand is that the more we root for each other to grow, the closer we become becasue that rooting makes you an active participant in your partner's development, not simply a bystander.  We make a point to constantly check-in because the winds of change are always blowing, and it's important to understand where your partner is trying to go.

I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing a number of my friends and mentors for my book Married to the Franchise.  One of the themes that arose early on when it came to understanding why these dudes continue to have successful marriages is that there is no part of their marriages that they don't want to be involved in.  Bringing home a paycheck is just as important as raising the kids which is as important as maintaining a fulfilling relationship with their wives.  The tricky part is not to lose sight of any one part for the sake of another.  Here's to another year of keeping my eye on the prize.

Which Way to March? Navigating the Road to Being Part of the Solutions

I pledged after the Supreme Court launched Jim Crow 2.0 as far as Voter Rights go that I would be more politically active.  Clearly, being a husband, father, and educator wasn't enough.  When the George Zimmerman verdict came down as I thought it would, an aquittal, it only made the call more clear.  What has been frustrating is that in the wake of these massively symbolic events that make me recall when I learned about Emmet Till and having to present freedom papers to vote, the mobilization process and course of action has been difficult to decipher.  It has also been disappointing to see many "prominent voices" in the Black community taking this time of anger and emotion to do more analyzing from the cushy pundits chair than strategizing.  I find myself no less resolute to be involved in striking down institutions that have targeted youth that look like my two sons, but I am now more conscious of just how difficult this road will be to travel.

I went to the Trayvon Martin 100 cities vigil at the LA Federal courthouse organized by the National Action Network (NAN).  I wore a shirt and tie, slacks, and a hoodie.  Perfect combo of how Trayvon will be immortalized (hoodie), and what he might have been (shirt and tie wearing professional).  When I arrived, all the media outlets were setting up and there were not more than twenty people milling around.  As the nine o'clock start time arrived and NAN LA President, Rev. K.W. Tulloss began to speak, the crowd continued to swell to hundreds.  What was encouraging was the organization of the rally, the number of organizations that were represented, and the general respect of TIME.  There quickly comes a saturation point when the same talking points are being hammered home by each speaker:

"George Zimmerman may have been acquitted, but he is not guilty"

"Trayvon Marin did not die in vain"

"We must force the Dept of Justice to file civil charges against George Zimmerman"

I left the rally looking forward to seeing the coverage of the rallies in other major cities and was happy to find that they had gone off without incident.  I felt like momenutm was building towards the 50th Anniversary of the March on Washington event taking place on August 24th.  I believed that until the President spoke out on the case, and everyone had a comment.  I'm nowaleft with more questions than answers a month out from what I hope will be a unifying event in Washington, DC at the Lincoln Memorial.

1.  What is the agenda?
There are a lot of things on the table that adversely impact the Black community in particular, and communities of color in general.  The NAN flier for the March on Washington is set to address Stand Your Ground Laws, Racial Profiling, Poverty, Voter Registration, etc.  The question is, which gets top billing at this moment?

2.  What is the best way to attack?
Once you figure out the areas of "deployment", what is the plan of action?  I think it is admirable that artists like Stevie Wonder have decided to boycott Florida until the Stand Your Ground law is amended or repealed altogether.  It is reminiscent of artists who boycotted the Jim Crow South.  But Stand Your Ground is hardly the most damaging issue threatening the Black community.  How do we begin to stem the growing percentage of people who are out of work, beiung stopped and frisked, undereducated, and being sent to private-owned prisons as "new slaves"?

3.  Who wants to build?
The current percentage of the US population that is Black stands at 13%, hardly enough to topple institutions designed to maintain the privileges of those who created them.  History tells us that the greatest advancements for minority communities have come at key moments of interest convergence with those in power.  So the question becomes, what groups have a vested interest in eradicating gun violence in urban centers like Chicago like we do?  What groups will also benefit from making sure that the federal preclearance clause is reformed and restored to the Voter Rights Act?  With allies, the ability to lobby effectively increases.

4.  Can there be unity?
Any successful group or team, must be able to get on the same page in order to accomplish its goals.  When I see Dr. Cornel West calling out other Black leaders as members of President Obama's plantation, I worry that we will not find that rallying point.  SNCC, CORE, SCLC, NAACP, etc found a way to do it in the 1960s, it needs to happen again.

5.  What is the President's role?
Speaking of President Obama, what issue will compel him to put aside his pragmatic identity in order to take up a more revolutionary one?  Yes he plays the political game well, and he's been rewarded with a second term.  With three years remaining in office, what is the issue that will move him to forget strategy and start ramming executive orders through Congress?  I certainly don't want to look back on these eight years and remember historic speeches, Obamacare, and how he got handcuffed by Congress at every turn.

How Do You Respond to a Supreme Court Gut Punch?

I had to take some time between posts to really digest all the things that have registered on my radar in the last couple of weeks. More importantly than what I wanted to say, I thought about how I wanted to act because after the Supreme Court (SCOTUS) surgically removed major portions of the Voter Rights Act, I watched legendary Congressman John Lewis respond on TV, and I felt disappointed in myself.  I had learned growing up about how Lewis, Julian Bond, Stokely Carmichael, Marian Barry, and Diane Nash organized students throughout the South in the 1960s to execute the lunch table sit-ins that characterized much of the Civil Rights Movement.  I read The Children by David Halberstam, and came to respect them and all of those who put their lives on the line for human rights.  What was missing, however was the type of motivation to keep marching and protesting as opposed to striving for the highest degrees I could obtain while building a family and living in a house with a picket fence.  I think this has been the case for a whole generation of people my age who after watching the SCOTUS decision come down, heard the cry of Laurence Fishburne as Dap in School Daze yelling WAKE UP!!!! 

If you're a thirty-something like me, there has been little of the social adversity our parents faced that would force us to continue fighting for human rights.  Many of us have been taught that the more important road is the road that leads to a solid job that will enable retirement one day. While it is difficult to mount any type of social resistance these days without social and financial capital, being separated from a the plight of others and aloof to politics is unacceptable.  John Lewis was 24yrs old when the Voter Rights Act was put on the books in 1964, and at 73, I can only imagine the mix of anger, frustration and disappointment he must feel to see that monument to his efforts as a civil rights worker wiped away.  It's time I got my arse off the bench and be more than an occasional critic on what I see.  If the SCOTUS decision wasn't motivation enough to lace up my marching Timbs, an incident that happened to friends of mine recently added another ember to the fire.

Full disclosure:  I did not vote in the 2013 LA Mayoral election.  I wasn't impressed by either of the candidates despite their list of celebrity endorsements.  It became pretty clear to me early on that Eric Garcetti was going to win and there was little that Wendy Greuel could do about it.  So I didn't participate.  My friend Amber, however, did partcipate.  She voted for Garcetti and ran into him at a fundraiser where she hoped to congratulate him as a long-time resident of his home district.  As she waited for him to finish talking with some peers she was witness to this statement from the Mayor:

 "My base of supporters are Latinos, Asians, gays, hipsters, Republicans and whites. But I don't exclude the others".

 

As a professional Black woman, she was understandably surprised and offended that African-Americans would be considered "others" by a man tasked with galvanizing one of the largest cities in the country.  After composing herself, Amber did take the opportunity to greet the Mayor and express her disappointment in his statement and ask him directly what his plans were for addressing the issues of the "others", many of whom voted for him.  His answer was disappointing and shows that if we do not hold our political representatives accountable at all levels of government, then we should hardly be surprised when they do not push legislation that runs counter to our interests.  It is clear that we are in a time where if you cannot mount effective lobbying efforts for issues that matter, then your rights as citizens will continue to be eroded.  I've heard the wake up call.  See you at the next march.

 

Where Are Paula Deen's Black Friends?

It's funny to me that Paula Deen became "Racist of the Week" as I am in the midst of reading Baratunde Thurston's hilarious satire text How to Be Black.  Just as the headlines hit that Paula Deen was being sued by a former employee and the details of her frequent use of the N-word became public, I had just read Thurston's characterization of the nationally important Black Friend.  In short, Thurston describes the Black friend as critical double agent who is able to maintain their "blackness" while being equally skilled at navigating mainstream spaces.  Thurston goes on to detail the types of instances where a Black Friend keeps controversy from arising, and the Paula Deen moment is a perfect example of where a one would've been useful.

It boggles my mind that in 2013 there are still people who don't have to deal with someone of a different ethnicity in some way shape or form, that would help them understand the PC rules for being a public figure.  This is particularly the case for someone like Deen who has a career based in making diabetes-causing Southern comfort food.  George W. Bush had Condi and Colin Powell, Frank Sinatra had Sammie Davis, Jr., Forrest Gump had Bubba (I know, that's a stretch).  When I heard of how Deen allegedly said out loud that what would really make a good Southern wedding would be to have a "bunch of little Ni&&ers to wear long-sleeve white shirts, black shorts and black bow ties", I immediately thought No Black Friends.  Which is unfortunate for Deen because now she's going to lose her contract on the Food Network, and probably a few endorsements.  She'll be in image rehab sessions with Michael Richards reminiscing about how big they used to be.

As a Black Friend to more than a few, I pride myself on steering my friends of different ethnicities away from behavior that might cause them public humiliation.  It's not even anything that I have to do explicitly.  If they are really my friend, then feeling like they would have any license to use the N-word around me or any other Black person should never cross their mind.  If they're my friend, then I can tell when a question is asked out of true curiosity as opposed to mockery (Do Black people tan?)  I thank Paula Deen for the most recent reminder that we do not in fact live in a Post-Racial world, and I call upon all fellow Black friends to keep educating the masses.  This is the only way that we'll make progress.  If you're tired of teaching, buy a copy of How to be Black for a friend.  They'll be entertained and educated at the same time.

Father's Day, The Finals, Tebow & The Divas

I've been a father for almost seven years now, and I feel like I've entered into the zone where my ability to be a full package father will be most necessary.  My oldest is now demonstrating a DVR-like memory which tells me that he digests everything I say and do.  Being that it is Father's Day tomorrow, I'm reflective today on both what it means to be a father and what my father did for me.  In 2013 it is critical that we strive to have our children understand the full experience of being a man so that when they grow up, they are prepared to thrive in their own home and the workplace.  I am thankful to my father for his ability to model this balance for me and my siblings growing up.

My father was rarely without two jobs when I was a youngster.  There was private school tuition, music lessons, and swim team dues to be paid for.  Somehow he still managed to find time to drive me up and down I-95 to swim meet after swim meet and discipline my brother, sister, and I with his famous monologues when we got in trouble.  The subliminal message that I have carried into fatherhood is that yes it is important to do all that you can to provide for family, but it is equally important to make sure that you are making time to nurture relationships with your children and teaching them life's lessons through both direct and indirect communication.  A constant theme when my dad would talk with me was the difference between creating a child and fathering one.  He demanded that I grow up to be responsible enough that I could be a father.  He also deomonstrated his respect and devotion to his household by never stumbling around drunk in front of us and sacrificing his own material gatin so that we could have.  All of his lessons have prepared me to be a father in an increasingly difficult world for a father to navigate.

When I look at my boys and think about all that I want them to experience (and avoid) in the world, the most important thing that I hope to pass on is that they fully embrace their own sense of manhood.  I want them to know that it is okay to to feel and exhibit the full range of human emotions and live a life of faith.  They should recognize the humanity in every person they come across and realize that they can be great relationship partners.  When they become fathers, they are more than just providers, they are whatever their children need them to be.  If they can do that, then they'll have more than earned the tie, pack of underwear, or card that they get as a gift on Father's Day to go along with the big piece chicken and a tall glass of grape Kool Aid.

On Another Note...

- The NBA Finals have been excellent theater, and though the games have not all been close, it has been interesting to see the adjustments that impact each game and who is able to elevate their play to have an influence on the outcome.  It`s easy in a social media influenced world to get swayed by negative micro analysis, but I remember when the Lakers and Celtics, Lakers and Bulls, or the Rockets and Celtics played ugly games.  History has not diminished those teams because of those moments so I'll continue to take each game for what it is and see where the chips fall in the end.

Tim Tebow somehow managed to get a job though by all analysis, he has no business trying to be an NFL-level quarterback.  Guess it does pay off to have a "Work harder than everyone" narrative following you around.  I hope it works out for the young man, and I hope he learns to stay away from the microphones this time.  He's not Tom Brady.

I'm wondering when we will hit the point where we're tired of building reality shows around black women backstabbing and throwing drinks on each other.  As if NBA Wives wasn't enough, now we've got a proliferation of R&B Divas shows.  Guess everyone wants to get their NeNe Leakes on now.  I'll be glad when this cycle of TV programming runs its ourse.

The Mrs. Makes More. So What!

A new study by the Pew Research Center made waves this week as it revealed that in four of ten households, the female is the breadwinner.  It sparked a response by this Lou Dobbs panel on Fox News where they made it sound as if society is now doomed to crumble because more and more women are now outearning their partners (5.1mil in 2011).  Unbelievably, the panelists spoke of the "harm" this could cause children, and how we're going to lose a generation due to this new social order.  In addition to the completely short-sighted, sexist arguments, I was puzzled by how this was even surprising given the statistics, particularly in Black and Brown communities.  The rate of women matriculating to college, and therefore putting themselves in position to obtatin high-paying professional work, outpaces their male counterparts by almost a third according to the National Center of Education Statistics (NCES).  In addition, it's a stretch at best to correlate earning potential with a man's desire for a partner.

For over a decade now I have been married to a woman who has always made more than me.  It didn't stop her from saying yes when I proposed, and it hasn't stopped us from raising two "marginally" well-adjusted boys, so forgive me if I don't see what Lou Dobbs and his panel are asserting.  Marriage is a partnership and the ones that last recognize that it doesn't matter how the resources come in, it just matters that they come in so the bills can be paid.  I'm happy in my profession and my wife is happy in hers so where's the destruction of American "moral fiber"? What the Dobbs' panel seems to be missing is that gender is not tied to what you earn.  I am not less of a "man" because I make less than my wife, nor would I be if I didn't make anything at all because I was unemployed.  The Dobbs panel and news articles with the same tone are dangerous because they send the message that old gender roles should still rule the day when that is far from reality.  They also send the message to young men that they are less than if they can't make more than their partner, and that really isn't the foundation a healthy relationship should be built on.

What is of concern is that of the 8.6 million single-mom breadwinners, the median income is only $23,000. The majority of these women are more likely to be Black or Latino and are not college educated, which limits their earning potential.  Yes, children born to single-moms can "make it" (see Barack Obama), but it is a tough road to hoe without tremendous amounts of support.   We do need to adjust the message that we send to teens who get pregnant.  Rewarding them with the chance to be contestants on reality shows is not the direction we should continue to move towards.